7 years and 25 countries later weβve had our fair share of epic travel fails. Lauren thought Barcelona was a country, Darren nearly shat himself in Disneyland, we nearly killed each other onΒ Lake Bled and those were just the ones that didnβt make the list. Anyone else wondering how weβve made it this far? This post has sat in drafts for a while, ashamed of our stupidity to actually publish it and share our shame with the internet. A bottle of Shiraz later, we feel itβs time to hit publish, swallow our pride and share these funny anecdotes from our travel fails with you all…
RIDING A CAMEL ACROSS THE SAHARA
Donβt you just hate it when you spend over a grand each on a holiday that you instantly regret? After watching Sex in the City 2, I had a romantic vision of glamorously gallivanting through the desert riding a camel like an Arabian princess. So, the holiday search began. Where could we travel to that offered riding a camel as part of the norm, you know, like donkeys in Greece and tractors in Scotland? We settled on Tunisia.
On day two, so horrifically hungover (the 4 star hotel had an underground nightclub β itβs our fault they lost the 5thstar) we met with a holiday rep who sold us our camel excursion for 3 times the price any sane person would pay. We set off the following day and after a morning of learning about the history of Tunisian dates we landed in the desert.
Reality soon hit when I realised, what they canβt share through the Sex & The City screen is the smell of camel. Worse than Daz after a 5 bean chilli. Then I hadnβt fully considered the whole redhead in the desert thing, factor 50 may as well have been baby oil.
Finally, a little like online dating we were matched to our camel. Daz would argue it was based on personality β his was a well behaved, well groomed, polite and a no-nonsense sorta chap. Mine was like a 3 year old after 2 kilos of blue smarties and a generous helping of Sunny Delight. F**king Mental. It bucked, it spat and I swear it hissed at one point.
Instead of my Sex & The City vision, I was on a real life Buck, buck, BUCKAROO. (yes I know he was a donkey.) Needless to say I was terrified. My Sahara desert-kaftan-goddess vision for Instagram was out the window and I was already furiously writing the Tripadvisor Camel review in my head. Darren on the other hand, was miles ahead chatting up his new Camel riding-pro lady friends discussing the latest saddle trends and what not.
I laughed in the tour guideβs face when he suggested my sweaty, stressed, sulking face pose for a photo opportunity. Iβd rather attempt a selfie with a shark, mate. To my utter surprise, I survived. Even more to my surprise, I bought the tour guideβs photo.
A wee note to add, we in no way endorse unethical treatment of animals and would never partake in an activity which we felt was unfair or harmful to animals in anyway. We felt the camels were well fed, watered and looked after. Lauren on the other hand, was traumatised.
SNORKELLING IN FIJI
Fiji was number 1 on our bucket list for so many reasons. Now it ends up on this list of fails for so many reasons. It is one of our most traumatic yet funny anecdotes (so far). Firstly, we arrived during a Cyclone β cue Mr Daz βI worked in the North Sea, these waves arenβt bigβ going ghost white as the waves crashed over our boat. Then when our wobbly legs eventually land on dry land, we are told itβs a 40 minute walk over a hill to our resort. During said surprise walk, Darrenβs toes are nibbled by piglets and I genuinely feel Iβve landed in an episode of Lost.
Eventually we arrive at our resort a tad confused. We are greeted by 3 people β a chef, a waitress and a house keeper. Thatβs it. No other guests, just us. Unsure whether to feel like the Kardashians or survivors of a zombie apocalypse. Turns out, due to the weather just us Scottish ones stuck it out and we are the only guests in this unplanned private resort.
Although our Scottish-ness means we can cope in all weathers, it also means we drive a hard bargain and we were a little concerned regarding our activities package we had pre-booked. Turns out, *shocker* due to the cyclone, the activities package was cancelled, meaning so was our snorkelling trip. The kind chef however offered us equipment free of charge from our resort and explained the basics.
We can deal with bad weather, we can deal with cancelled activities but turns out, we canβt deal with being told what to do and not one jot of advice theΒ instructorΒ chef told us, we listened to. Cue blood, sweat and tears as we attempt and fail spectacularly at our first snorkelling experience. The best part? I didnβt even click record on the Go-Pro so the handful of fish we did see, between the choking on salt water and near drowning we canβt even show you anyway.
We have written a full post of advice onΒ backpacking FijiΒ so you can learn from our mistakes. Alternatively, if youβd like to see what happens when paradise doesnβt go to plan you can watch our outtakes video below becauseΒ a)Β we have zero shame andΒ b)Β itβs the only Fiji footage we have.
ROOFTOP RESTAURANT - CRETE
Picture the scene: candle lit, rooftop restaurant over looking the shore on the Greek island of Crete. Divine food partnered with traditional music, it could rival any Jane Austen nonsense. That is until Iβd to excuse myself from the table. Ten minutes passed. Twenty Minutes passed. Thirty Minutes passed.
Darren questioned if Iβd been kidnapped? Or had I ran off with a handsome Greek waiter? Nope, Iβd endured such toilet trauma from an under-cooked seafood BBQ from the previous day, that not only did we have to abandon desert, but Darren very nearly abandoned me altogether.
Should have stuck to Pot Noodles in our room to be honest.
HAWAII MISSILE ALERT - OUR LAST SUPPER
Although one of our funny anecdotes, this is a full blown near death experience caused by a text. We were on the Big Island of Hawaii β home to pineapples, palm trees, beautiful beaches and Hula Honeys. Where were we? McDonalds. Donβt judge.
Anyway, my phone starts to vibrate like crazy, not just Sunday-morning-in-the-group-chat crazy but actual crazy. It was flashing a warning that read βEmergency Alert, Ballistic Missile Threat inbound to Hawaii. Seek immediate shelter, This is not a drillβ
Immediately I was angry for two reasons. Firstly, if it was false, Darren had clearly been on some dodgy websites using my phone. If it was true, my last meal on earth was going to be in McDonalds.
So what did we do? Do we phone our families and say our final goodbyes? Do we tell each other how much we love each other? Do we order a second big Mac, cause well, an extra 600 calories doesnβt matter anymore? Instead, we went on Twitter. Itβs funny in a life or death situation how your brain works. Thirty eight fear/McFlurry filled minutes later, there was finally an alert this was in fact a mistake. Thatβs 38 minutes where I sat and near sobbed into my nuggets.
And yes, we did learn from Twitter. Turns out, the Emergency Alert fellow mustβve had a big night out and had simply clicked the wrong button. As in, emergency messaged the entire population of Hawaii that a missile was en route, do not pass go, do not collect Β£200.
We later learned of people who had called their bosses and told them what they really thought and of the mothers whoβd locked themselves in the bathroom with their babies and said their final prayers. Then there was us, gutted weβd chosen the 6 McNuggets instead of the 12.
A SMASHING TIME KAYAKING IN NEW ZEALAND
I wish I could say this was the first time Iβd a romantic boating vision go wrong. It isnβt. Have you ever seen the Notebook? You may be familiar with the scene where they share a romantic row boat and the heavens open and itβs the most beautiful thing youβve ever seen. Yeah well, we nailed that. Not. You can read more on thatΒ storyΒ fail in ourΒ LjubljanaΒ guide.Β Or there was also the time we spent 17 hours on theΒ ferry from Stockholm to RigaΒ fuelled by Jaeger bombs & Abba Karaoke with Swedish pensioners. Yeah, we nailed that too.
You would think by now, weβd have learned our lesson that Daz, Loz & boats are a bad combo but for some silly reason I thought sharing a kayak in New Zealand would be far easier, more romantic and memorable than any boating adventure thus far. Oh how wrong I was. I swear, if we were married weβd be divorced by now thanks to that kayak.
The very, very first instruction from the guide, βwhatever you do, do not crash into that boat in the bay,β four minutes later. . . we crash into that boat in the bay. Between Darrenβs army-worthy shouting of βleft, right, right, leftβ and my complete oblivion to instruction it was a recipe for disaster. Or murder.
The stunning Abel Tasman National Park and thus joyous other co-ordinated couples are now traumatised from the endless βthis oars going to knock you outβ threats and the yells of βI swear Iβm getting the next flight home.β Needless to say, weβre sticking to land from now on and will only jump on board a boat when this funny anecdotes list needs a top up.
ARRESTED IN MIAMI
I feel each of our bucket list items and consequent funny anecdotes are inspired by eitherΒ a)Β a movieΒ b)Β a romantic visionΒ c)Β both.
This was both.
We are both madly in love with the series, Dexter. Soon after booking our hotel in Miami we discovered that Dexterβs βcondoβ from the show and indeed the βBay Harbourβ was a mere few streets away, so cameras in hand, we set off.
Weβve touched upon a few ways in how our cheeky Scottish-ness getβs us in trouble abroad but one thing weβll never get used to is that not every country has theΒ Right To Roam Act. In Scotland, the right to roam means you can walk, camp, sleep, cart-wheel or back flip wherever you please. In Miami however, they have a thing called Trespassing laws and a thing called Policemen with guns.
In Scotland, we have neither.
Determined for a nose at Dexterβs condo and that sought after photo, we saw a car park which we walked through despite the sign saying private property. Donβt get me wrong, we did debate. Does private property but no fence or gate actually mean itβs private? Was the sign referring to a nearby garden surely not the actual car park? Regardless, a Sheriff shows up.
Yes, a legit, pissed off, all American practically from the womb of Trump, Sheriff. So angry, I could nearly smell his high blood pressure and failing marriage. He was pissed. We tried to pull the tourist card. βSoz, pal itβs a car park, we only wanted to take a photo of a buildingβ he wasnβt buying it.
Daz gave me βthe lookβ, the look that says shut up. The look that says, these guys are not the kinda policemen that give you a slap on the wrist and promise not to tell your Mum if you buy them an Irn Bru from the vending machine. These guys have guns. And, it seems a hatred for Scottish people.
We apologised and ran, now understanding the fear of Dexterβs victims and questioning if our travel insurance covers bail bonds.
Hahaha brilliant post. As a fellow Scot I completely understand the putting your foot in it, usually with profanities to punctuate sentences but then again, I think its being a Scot also helps us get away with it!
So true…it definitely gets us in trouble and out of it!
These are hilarious…happy days ?
Very funny you two, loved reading this. There is a typo mistake though, right near the start only I canβt remember exactly where. At the start where you explain the Doric you have several columns and in the second or third column I think you have written will instead of with.
Thank you granny – hope it gave you a giggle π
Ah yes, the camel. My friend and lodger insists that if I ever go to Egypt, in no way am I to ride a camel because they are, in her words, “uncomfortable and right moody bastards”. ?
In general though, it’s the bad things that make the best stories. No-one wants to listen to tales of two week perfection on boring sun-laden beaches; people want to know the exciting things, the run-ins with police, the sickness, the crossing of borders illegally (cos we’ve all done that, right?!) … As long as you don’t die, it’s all good, right?!
This is a great post, really made me laugh! I love your writing style. ??
Thanks so much! Sometimes it’s more fun to write a realistic post π